My everyday thoughts on life, love, God, step-parenting, and loving the beautiful chaos of it all :)

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A letter to my stepdaughter :)

To my dearest little monster,

Oh, the things you’ll see by the time you’re ready to read this letter! The places your little feet will go, only to watch the beauties of this world unfold before your very eyes! I wonder what your life will be like; Have you begun to see the rest of the world? Have you taken the road less traveled? Have you chased your dreams without fear or regret? Have you found God & follow His plan? Have you found yourself & are you proud of who you’ve become? I truely hope so 🙂 I want ALL of these things for you & so much more!!! I’d love to tell you about the day we met & how from then on, you would forever grow in my heart only seen as my daughter.

You were 7 months old when God & your Daddy decided that we should meet. I was 20 years old & had been dating your Daddy for about a month. I was scared to death!!! You see darlin, I was a completely different person at that point in my life. Barely 20 years old, selfish, unwise, totally naive, and completely unsure if I was able to *emotionally* care about a baby that I didn’t make. To be honest, at that point in my life I had zero desire to have any children at all! I had myself completely convinced that I could live out the remainder of my life without ever getting remarried or having children; I wanted only to live for myself. If I did something, it’s because I wanted to & there wasn’t anyone who could tell me otherwise! I thought my life was perfect & I ignored both the aching, empty space in my heart as well as the faint whisper of God’s promise. Anywho, I was on my way back to the small apartment I shared with your Daddy when he called me and told me that you had beaten me there & that you needed a swimsuit ASAP! My jaw just dropped. I had no idea where to go, what size to shop for, what you’d like… Seriously, I almost had a meltdown in the baby section! Alas, after some deep cleansing breaths, the adorable swimsuit with attachable tutu was on its way. While driving back, I began to think about things that had NEVER mattered to me before. “What if she hates me? What if she blames me later for why her mom & dad aren’t married? What if she doesn’t hate me?!” I couldn’t figure out why the opinion of a baby who I’d never met before mattered so much to me all of a sudden!

There you were. Sitting comfy with your Daddy on the couch just smiling away. The man I loved sitting with a beautiful, bubbly, very happy, very perfect little you! In an absolute instant, I knew that I loved you both very powerfully 🙂  I believe God brought your Daddy & you into my life at the perfect time. I knew that I needed you BOTH in my life, because that achy, empty spot was where y’all belonged! I also knew that if I was going to help teach you along the way about how to be a good person who is strong, driven, kind, compassionate,tough, with an open heart full of love for God… Then I needed to make a HUGE change & fast! I needed to be a better person, mostly because I knew I could never ask you to be open to change when I wasn’t willing to experience it myself. Shorty after, I began to let go of my selfishness, my ego, & my questionable choices while embracing change without fear or regret! I did these things & found out that I could push myself FAR beyond where I thought my limits were; I did these things darlin because I want better things for you & you need to know that your “limits” are limitless!!! There is so much more to life than being afraid or intimidated! I owe my awakening & change to you & your Daddy; You two mean more to me than anything!!! My little monster, we may not share any DNA, but you always have been & will be my family! I couldn’t possibly love you anymore if I’d have carried you under my heart instead of inside of it! 🙂

As of today, you are 3 & a half years old. You will never know how much it means to me when you give me your little hugs, when you tell me about your dreams, when you want before-bed cuddles with me & your Daddy on the couch. Right now. you laugh with me, you cry to me, you take my hand when we walk, you push my patience while also teaching me to have it, you unknowingly taught me to seek out & focus on the hidden beauties of an ugly & unkind world, & you have taught me to appreciate the little things while also striving for the bigger & better. I think the most important thing I’ve learned is this: Your Daddy & you have quickly taught me to love unconditionally & fearlessly even if it slowly breaks your heart! Sometimes you make me totally crazy, but happier than I’d ever thought I could be! There are going to be some bad days every now and again where we will both become frustrated & very impatient… I want you to know now that my lack of patience actually very little to do with you & a lot to do with me. Sometimes I hurt… It sometimes hurts a great deal knowing that no matter the circumstance, I can never measure up to your mother in terms of love. I know that’s not something to strive for, but that gets difficult. I’ve never tried to replace her nor have I ever tried to be anything other than someone who loves you & wants you to be happy. I am so sorry if sometimes my hurt gets in the way, but that doesn’t mean that I love you any less. No matter what happens in your life whether it be boo-boos or broken hearts, I am here for you! To listen when you need an ear, to guide you should you lose your way, and to help you up if you fall. I may not be your “mother” but you are absolutely, without any doubt my daughter.

My sweet monster, I have my own hopes & wishes for your life; But first, there are some things that I need you to know with 100% truth. 1) You are your Daddy’s pride & he loves you more than you will ever know! He would give anything to know that you are truly happy! You are LOVED so much and by so many! 2) Don’t ever let ANYONE tell you what you are capable of & what you can do! Go out and chase ALL of your dreams without fear or question 🙂 People can give you 100 reasons why you shouldn’t, you only need 1 reason and a little faith to do anything you put your mind to. You can do it darlin! 3) You are ALWAYS worth it! 4) Don’t you DARE ever sell yourself short or stop believing in yourself! You are a beautiful, young soul full of wonder… Hold on to that wonder and let it fuel your passions! Lastly 5) God will never give you more than you can handle. He has a plan for you darlin, & it’s gonna be a beautiful, bumpy ride! We love you monster & pray that your life is full of adventure and beauty!